Dragonis Fury

Current Mood: crappy

The reason this journal was made is no longer she has decided once and for all that she will be no slave. While this does not suprise me it also means the lifestyle that I had been working to be. Apparently I was never any good at it other than thinking of myself, big suprise right. In all my relationships I have ever had I have thought of myself and ended them because I was not content or gods forbid happy. I have talked with the two people that know me best the guys that I used to hang with that were then when shtuff hit the fan. Both while being experienced had no help to offer. Looking back in the dark voids of my mind has proven more difficult than I can handle at the moment. My focus and balance seem to be off everything is blurry I can call the location and the time but I can not hear anything. Maybe it is my mind saying enough is enough maybe it is the drugs that the doc has me on maybe it is the headache, I am completely unsure. The reason I writing this is to try and help myself think, no matter how scary it is I am going to try and limit my mind to one subject. What is wrong with my marriage. This is the big topic of the past month or so, Baby has stated that she has found herself and she is not going to be unhappy making me happy anymore. While this should have been the case it comes down to her getting tired of feeling, being treated, seeing less than she thinks she deserve the true question remains. What do I do. I can choose to do nothing the let her decide to leave me taking the only reason I have to live away. I can do something and get rid of her but face the same problem getting rid of the only reason I have to live. I can do something to try and fix it and if I fail she will leave and I will lose the only reason for living again. If I succeed however I will be with a strong woman that will threaten to leave everytime I screw up. Sounds interesting to me no matter how I look at it I am going to lose. Does she win in any of these pretty much all of them, she is done with a man who does not meet her expectations as a father, husband, master, or man in general. She also no longer has to deal with an autistic child that tries her patience all the time. She doesnt have to deal with a babysitter that constantly makes her feel like she is not good enough. She doesnt have to pay half of the bills anymore because pretty much everything is in my name. She no longer has to deal with a house that is old. The only possible negative for her is if she actually loves me not just feels sorry for me. She has family she can go live with and get back on her feet me I have my grandmother who lives in a house smaller than mine but if I stay here I will be constantly reminded of her because I bought this house for her. Pluses for me if I lose her I will not be in pain any longer. If I make it through the depression I might have a job still and I could go out and look for new partners but never another longer term one because I would be too afraid to commit and have it end again. She could contact her boyfriend in texas and have someone within days. Ok well so far I have found that her statement that she would be fine is true completely. I have also found that I would not be ok in fact I would be worse off then ever before. Reviewing all of this is pointless I already know what I need to do I am just afraid to mess it up. I love her I always have, So no matter what I stand to lose and what she stands to lose I have to try even if I mess up. Now that we have gotten that far what do I do. My world is truly ending there is nothing that I can think of to do to fix it and from the way things are going tonight it doesnt look like she even wants me to. She said she would call in a little while That was at 748 pm now it is 1124 pm and still no call I am thinking about going out and drowning the sorrows but I dont see the point in that I never did. So how do I cope with the depression well it is bad enough that the meds arent doing anything so I really have no idea how to handle it I want to hurt something but there is nothing I want to hurt myself but there is no reason for that I left the vicodin at work in my locker so I cant take that even so I am stuck feeling everything and unable to do anything about it I am not even hungry anymore. So lets see what can I do to help the pain go away binge eating just doesnt sound good starting a fire would work if I could find it in all the snow so now what maybe I should go kick my mutts while that sounds tempting it will not make me feel better. Have you ever noticed I only write when I am at my lowest. Ok well I have hit the proverbial wall on this subject.